"For immediate release":
Café Cafo sent a low-level delegation to the kitchen of the Secretary-General to discuss the issue of worldwide constipation. The delegation consisted of the Secretary-General, an inflatable dolphin, and a large papier-mâché depiction of Siddhãrtha Gautama¹. The delegation’s findings are as follows:
We Are Constipated!We are eating animal meat, which contains no fiber. If we are what we eat, we are most certainly constipated. If what we eat affects how we act, we are acting, and have become, quite possibly as a byproduct of our diets, costive². Our bodies know, instinctively and by design, what our minds cannot freely tell us: that what we have in our guts will most likely ail our systems: hurt our hearts and cause our cells to malfunction. Our gut therefore pulses: “Be cautious, fear and be stingy! You are holding unhealthy material” and proceed with your daily duties and interactions with the mind of an animal that knows it is injured, that knows its source of energy is impure and will only take it so far. Our daily actions and interactions are therefore necessarily affected: we are less friendly, less generous, less affectionate and less loving creatures due to the obstructions in our guts. In fact, we are constipated to the point that we are allowing 1 out of 7 of our species to not have access to constipation. History will deem this hour quite impacted in deed and spirits are we not able to alleviate this costiveness and set up the proper systems to see that such irregularities cease to ever exist. Therefore, the findings of this panel are: bowel constipation necessarily leads to mental and emotional costiveness of the species homo sapiens. The immediate recommendations of this panel are as follows:
We must begin the process of evacuating our present systems by purifying our bodies and minds; this will necessarily result in increasing the health of our planet and the continued overall safety and evolution of species homo sapiens. We have a good idea of the things that need to change yet we are delayed by the bowels of the present-past. Our gut liberation will help even where daunting uncertainty currently lies and will help us to move forward and away from gridlock, towards progress. Certainly we will fall short at times, but if we are to possess the proper personal fiber we will have the physical, mental and emotional clarity and circulation to apportion our world. We must free our stomachs in order to free our selves, our minds, and our actions. Not to do so will be our ruin. May great inspiration, love, health, and energy bless all. Sincerely, The Secretary-General, Café Cafo
¹This meeting is commonly referred to as the Bristol Stool Conference. While preparing to rebuild the international nutritional system, as meat consumption was still raging, 3 delegates gathered in the kitchen of the Secretary-General to Café Cafo; the delegates deliberated upon the implications of constipation during the first three weeks of June 2009. This historic meeting resulted in the proffering of the Declaration of Constipation as well as a system to learn to consume less animal flesh, known as the Pledge 45 Method, lauded for greatly benefiting personal, environmental, and animal health.
²Merriam-Webster
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